Friendships

I reread pages 32-35 in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book, Eat Pray Love about the petition. After  rewording her petition and speaking it out loud, I followed up on the next step. Gilbert asked her friend, Iva, who would sign this petition. Iva said she would. Then they began to name other people who would sign it. The list grew. So I imagined it similarly in my situation. I thought of the others who were with me at that meeting in spirit. Would they not want the outcome to be harmony with the best outcome and right action? I may not have been able to decipher all the signatures, and I saw a lengthy and growing list.

When we think we are all alone in yucky and sticky situations, who will be there in spirit if not in person? How many will stand next to us for comfort, a shoulder to cry on, healing, moving forward, laughing and finding inner peace and progress? Something I heard years ago resonate with me when I am feeling isolated and alone. When I do not feel God in my presence, it is me who walked away. This can be similar with our friends and support people.

With my history, I have struggled in friendships for many years. Too banged up and battered to trust anyone that I did not think would hurt me and take advantage of me in my vulnerability and yes, desperation for someone to like me for me. Hearing everyday how was unwanted sprinkled with “I wish you were dead.” A dearth of affection created a deep, empty, needy hole. I people-pleased just so I would be important enough to be kept around, at least for awhile. This became exhausting and I really could not keep it up.  Someone would want to do something for me, I was suspicious, wondering why. It has been a long and bumpy road to find relationships that are flexible, where I can give and receive.

I still have struggles with that. I am getting better at asking for support. Even from those who signed the petition, those I know and those I don’t.