Angst

I have been experiencing great angst about a yucky situation. My stomach is in knots, I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot get back to sleep, wondering, ruminating about it, trying to figure out what to do, what to do, what to do to try to “fix IT.” Maybe this isn’t about fixing “it.” It is about looking to the horizon and for other doors and windows to ask what’s next, what’s next, what’s next?

I realized that being in this state has put me on the side of being reactive, a victim with few choices. By stopping the runaway cycle, I decided I need to be proactive about the situation, keep my integrity and power instead of giving it all away. It is challenging to confront the past with the new skills. The more I do this, the more I like this feeling of being able to do something as a replacement for wringing my hands, not sleeping and blaming others for my situation. When I can take action, I feel much better about myself; it’s moving forward. It’s knowing there are more choices of what I CAN do.

Instead of becoming emotional about the situation, I am feeling my emotions from anger, grief, frustration, confusion, to accepting that it is not my place to fix, be a savior. I can see (and lovingly pointed out) that I have been enabling, interfering, with the progression of events.

Growing up in a crazy house as the oldest, I took it upon myself to try to control that crazy. I believed if I did enough, soon enough, fast enough, good enough, it will help our lives slow down from an out-of-control spinning roller coaster. I learned to anticipate what’s next, looking for the cues and signals that it was time to intervene. It was ingrained in me to just take it. Standing up for me was met with either pain or disregard. Peace at any price. This has carried on into my adult life which has its consequences. Usually the cost of peace is high for me. The old adage, “Might makes right” really is “might makes fright.” I can see how people use fear as a way to get the other person to go along with what they want. That kind of fear strikes right at the core of survival.

What has helped me was being skillful. I acknowledge that part of my survival is still rooted deep from the past. However, I have learned to use skills that recognize the survival creeping up and to address it before it takes over. Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), I have used those skills to not get hijacked into flight, fright or freeze. I can stop that track then process and take action. Even when I opt not to take action, it is a conscious decision. Sometimes, weighting out the options, pros and cons, I can decide whether it is better to act or to let it pass by.