In my family growing up, I learned survival skills that kept me alive. I learned how to zig and zag, anticipate the next steps, looking for cues, fix what I saw needed fixing, provide diversion, even offer myself up as a sacrifice when I saw it was warranted; the martyr a lot of the times. As the oldest, I thought it was my role to try to control the uncontrollable situations. I did my best to alleviate the broad damage. I was a kid; at the time, I did not know any different. I viewed my parents at that young age as not being competent to take care of what was important and when the violence ramped up, I tried to alleviate it, or rather control the amount and intensity of it. In my mind, I saw it as “saving” some members of the family. Maybe if I looked deep enough, I was hoping that I would be saved, too, even if was just sometimes. We all have our photograph album in our minds of how we saw and experienced things and events.
What looks like a Dudley Do-Right save the day can look to the other person like interference. It creates hostility on their part back to the savior. It can be a sticky wicket when a person does step aside from taking action and the other person experiences the event. The name for this is hostile dependency. We see person as needing help and step in. After we do, they come across as hateful as the perception can be that we do not think they are capable of handling it. Ah, have I experienced that! My good intentions met with anger from them.
I have an inner sensory tool that I have engaged. If I feel sorry for someone, then I know it is enabling; so I stop myself from helping. If there is a request, I will likely redirect them to another place, stopping short from doing anything else. This happens when I have experienced hostile dependency from them. I know I get so caught up in the doing, doing something, doing anything it takes, that I can overrun others. It is unintentional, really. Just get caught up in doing “something.”
What I have come to realize more is that by continuing to do that, it is taking away the other person’s choices. When it comes back to me on the times I stood by not “interfering,” I will remind myself that it is their choice. If asked to help, it is my choice. Helping is by invitation only. It is a challenge to break myself of this habit.
The lessons this week have certainly pointed out that it is very important to stop. It certainly can kill that “takes initiative” trait.
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