Grief

As I am aging and my body requires different foods, I find I am having to reduce eating the things I love or even give them up altogether. After not eating certain things for awhile, I will indulge in something that is a delicious and comfort food only later to not feel too well afterwards. As a survivor, I would eat food as a way to provide comfort for me. I saw it as a viable option because it wasn’t going to hurt me like humans do. Adding that extra layer of fat would also keep me unattractive enough to keep people away. If I was ugly enough, I would not be assaulted. Then fat-shaming became the trend.

Now that my human odometer is close to flipping over to the next stage of mileage, it means that the maintenance can become more expensive, more frequent . I dread going to the doctor because of what I perceive as shaming because I do not always do what I should. So I went July 8 (needed medicine refills). I was concerned how bad my numbers were. What a shock! It was way better than I imagined. A fair amount of that is the result of me reducing the foods that aren’t very good for me anymore and replacing them for something better for me, making healthier substitutions or not eating those things.

We often say we are “giving up” something. Giving up sounds more like it’s against what we wish versus letting go which is our choice. With that comes grief, the sadness of letting go of something that we loved and enjoyed but either have to limit it or let it go. So I am thinking that if I had mini-funerals for the things, including foods, that were my faithful companions, I can make peace within myself by honoring that loss.

We have lots of losses, even something everyday. I think we minimize how we feel about them because they seem so little and unimportant. They are important. We believe that if we say something about it to someone, we will be shamed, belittled and minimized for being so foolish over something that may look trivial to them. It begins to pile up inside us so instead of actually letting them go through acknowledging our grief, we stuff them in all the corners of our bodies. We add more when we take in what others comment about it, too. More stuffing.

This is for us. So grieve and honor what has served us well in the past and make room for what will serve us better today.