Is your circle in motion?

My friend asked me to attend a spiritual class. When I went, it was awesome, yet I noticed something about me that is coming up again. I do not have a circle of friends. I have friends, just not a big circle of them. There are times I feel sort of envious of people who do, like my son. I wish that I could be that free around people. My reality is that I have always felt like an outsider looking in and it has taken a long time to allow anyone fairly close to me, even if a couple at a time. So my circle is quite tiny with many tiny circles. One or two friends at a time for lunch. I seem to do best with one-on-one relationships. In groups, after a bit, I begin to feel so uncomfortable that I start to shut down as a way to cope then decide to be able to stay or I leave.

I have been a loner, afraid of people and their intentions. In high school, it was not until tenth grade that I had a real friend for two years in school; she was a year ahead of me. After that, no friends again. When I left high school, I slowly began to make a friend or two along the way at school. I am astonished at how many friends I do have now for which I am very grateful. They like me for who I am, even love me for who I am. Their support and encouragement mean a lot to me, even though I still struggle to believe that I am worth it.

There are times when I still want to keep my distance from my friends. With the ups and downs of work and volunteering, I feel tapped out. So I have learned to find that tricky balance for this introvert in recharging. Also, these friends more in and out of this kind for circle. Life can take over and off to the many directions our lives take us; then we can come back together, catch up. Or we can let them go.

There are concentric circles beginning with a small one in the center and the rest of them moving a bit further out. The inner circle are the close friends with the outer circle being acquaintances. Over the years, I see how some move toward the center and some move right out of the furthermost circle, shuffling around. That’s a blessing as this occurs with changes in our life circumstances and our growth. New people add another level of support, perspectives and interactions. We make room for as many as we can, or we pull inward until we are ready to go back into those circles.