Shopping… Hate It!

I said something this morning to my husband that he rarely hears from me: “Let’s go shopping.”

First, I HATE shopping overall, especially for clothes. I have a negative body image as I see myself as defective, ugly, fat, disgusting and shameful. So finding clothes that fit and look best is a mystery to me. So for the most part, I just spend my time in jeans and a loose top. When I look in the mirror, I see someone who is not who I wish I could be. I realize that it is an inside thing. I also use clothes to hide myself in.

A study was done where they found a correlation between major middle age weight gain and major depression and childhood sexual abuse, which applies to me. I have always felt out place, that I did not fit in anywhere. I know there are people out there who say to just stop eating all that crap food and exercise to get that excess weight off. Plenty of fat-shaming to go around. For me, it is an internal issue of how I feel about myself on the inside based on someone else’s perceptions of me which is a mirror. Weight gain is a way to have comfort and protection; to keep someone else from overpowering me.

So the shopping trip today (all afternoon) was about me purchasing some professional looking clothes for my consulting business. How I dressed was also a way to keep people away from me and possibly not take me seriously. My husband went along as support as he knows how I can melt down and get so crabby about this. We went to one place and the clothes I saw did not look like they would work out. We went to another store and there was a very nice lady (Rose from Dress Barn in Southtown) who was very kind and patient with me. Between her and my husband, I was able to find some professional clothes that were flattering and fun; items I would have not considered. When I tried them on, I felt kinda funny, not being used to looking nicer. I know that old saying that clothes don’t make the person. For me to take this step is a big deal.

On a blackboard, I saw this written: The butterfly cannot see its wings; however, others can. Even though I/we cannot see me/us as beautiful, others can and do. That has struck a chord with me that my view of me does not match how others see me.

Now the more interesting twist will be when I where my new clothes to work that it might create some concern I am be looking for a new job elsewhere. Well, in a way that is true for my consulting business.