The Mixed Tape

I have never gotten a mixed tape from anyone before. Years ago, I made one for myself of my favorite songs on a cassette and a couple of years ago, my husband made one of my favorite ones on a CD to play in my car.

To pass the time on a long plane ride, my husband made me a mix of songs (it looked like hundreds of them) on an MP3 player. I had not used one before, a slogger of the times because of being electronically and technically challenged. So I opted to take this gift and give it a try. I figured out how to use it pretty well and discovered there were songs in a folder that I specifically asked for. It was on the bus ride from Budapest to Prague I decided to give that contraption a try. I listened to my favorites, then the last song came on and I started crying. My sister asked me what was wrong. I pointed to the MP3. The song was “Life is better with you” by Michael Franti and the Spearheads. It was a love song from my husband. I have not ever had anyone say that to me.

When I was working the gardens, I put on the headphones and there were some new songs were added into my favorite eight. I thought I had screwed up the song list (remember technically challenged). I asked him what I did and thought those songs were crap. After a bit, I realized that the added were songs to the mixed tape was a gift from my husband. I did apologize and told him I realized now that they were specifically hand-picked for me.

I am not aware of a lot of things around me so I am not good at paying attention to the little stuff. This song list and awareness of its importance helped me to hear how much my husband loves me and cares about me. Maybe this escaped me because I have been so used to believing how unlovable and unwanted I was, all that inferior stuff still rolling around inside of me. I am so used to basing my life on how much doing I can do to be acceptable instead of someone loving for me for my being-ness.

I have kept my heart at a pretty far distance because being vulnerable opens me up to getting really hurt again, bruised and battered. It is a contradiction in that I want to be loved and feel safe in that love, yet I push away because of that ingrained fear. Slowly, and with a very patient husband (most of the time), I am opening my heart up to more love. Feels pretty darn nice!