Years ago, I had a lucid dream about my father. I was struggling with the pain from the ongoing abuse until I left home, wanting an apology for the abuse. I believed if I had that apology, I would be able to heal and move on with my life. I was really messed up, doing mean things to myself from the pain. I thought if I did that, my father would see the damage he had done to me then take some responsibility. What a fantasy I carried around.
The dream showed him in the kitchen putting his tea kettle on to make instant coffee. He poured the hot water in his cup, went to the refrigerator to get milk for his coffee, put the milk back, stirred it again, then he walked into the living room. This was profound in that it showed me how his life went on while I continued being in such emotional pain that it stopped my life, not even giving me a thought.
I accepted that I needed to get on with my life no matter what! Of course it took all kinds of routes and learning opportunities to move on from this challenging and difficult abusive past fraught with all kinds of unworthiness messages from my parents. Still, I considered every millimeter I moved forward a little victory, even when I slid backwards. The older I got and the more I kept that motto in my sights, the further I got in my healing process, even in a zigzag, to and fro motion.
When I was with X, our relationship was such a struggle to make it work. Even with breaks, we would continue to try; I continued to try as I did not want to be a failure. Finally, it reached the breaking point and it snapped and we called it quits. Even though I was despondent over the loss of what I thought would be a place of me being wanted and accepted, I embraced my motto to get on with my life no matter what again.
Besides time, I did an Alanon 4th and 5th step just on this relationship. As I sorted it out what happened, I was able with help from another person’s view to sort out the relationship pains and put into perspective of my part and ownership and separate from his (no, I did not own it all nor did I blame him for everything; I took responsibility for my part). It was very freeing. I was so used to being responsible for everything that went wrong growing up, I believed it in adulthood.
With time and practice, I can live my life now. When it doesn’t seem to be going well in certain areas, I stop to observe what is going on, checking the facts, then see what I can do about it. It is either something I can do or cooperatively do with another person. If not, I have a choice to either move on or remain stuck.
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