Triggers

Even in daily life, there are triggers that can send me backwards. Small things. Even things that haven’t made an appearance in my life in years can come back. Sometimes it is a whisper, or a nudge, or a great big shove. Years ago, most everything was a trigger. As I have grown, changed, worked on myself, aged, learned new skills, most things do not register on the radar. I have learned to cope and desensitize. I learned to pay attention to the cues when those issues come up so I wasn’t blindsided.

With X, we would have lots of fights, ugly ones. He would say something that would trigger me and I would fall right into old fear and survival then really fight back as if my life depended on it. It took a lot of practice being aware of what the hooks were and how my body was responding to that trigger. It could be my breathing changes, parts of my body would become tense, I would become hotter and my brain would gear up to defend myself. After paying closer attention, I began to see the hooks that drew me back in. Each time, I got much better at identifying and then delaying becoming involved in the fray. I came up with a few lines to use to defuse it. I used, “Oh” or “Oh, okay.” When he complained about something he didn’t like, I asked what he wanted from me. When he did not have an answer, I would reply to let me know.

The biggest enlightened moment came when I was able to step back emotionally even further was something I learned in 8^th grade science. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I was so wrapped up in taking it about the personal attacks on me and feeling I had to defend myself, that I wasn’t able to see he was seemingly talking about how he felt himself and I was target practice. Seeing it from this possible angle helped me soften the harshness I felt about me and toward him. Not taking what he said so personal lessened the contempt I felt toward him. I continued to work on what I could do for me and practiced disengaging (yeah Alanon!).

After observing how I was with him and how I was around my friends, I saw that I acted different. Why was I like that with him and pleasant around my friends? I figured out, too, that some people bring out the best in me while some brought out the worst in me. Being with him unleashed a side of me that I did not like. I took responsibility for what I can do.

There are still triggers and by being in that previous relationship, I gained a lot of insights and use them today around other people. Granted some people’s issues are annoying and it is about them and how I react to what is going on. This also reminds me to exercise compassion for both of us.