“No” is a two-way street…

As I was growing up, saying no in our family was not without pain attached to it. I recall many times how my mother would say, “Don’t you EVER say NO to me!!”, while hitting me. So saying no was associated with great pain and not allowed, no matter what. So as I grew up, not only did I refrain from saying no, I also did not say anything about other painful events being done to me. She did not want to hear it. If I did say something, she would tell me to just ignore it and it will go away. Only events got worse and more painful.

My friend and I talked about our recent trips abroad. She talked about asking her friend about going with her on her trip, saying how she thought she would really like it. The friend said no. As she became more excited about the trip, she asked her friend again. Afterwards, because her friend was also a child sexual abuse survivor, she talked about how she had to learn how to say no. When her no felt like she wasn’t being accepted, it felt like being a child again where it was ignored and she was disregarded. (NOTE: this discussion was modified.)

How often have we heard how excited the other person was and wanted us to experience that kind of exuberance with them even though we have said, “no thank you.” As their excitement grows, they continue to ask and we continue to say no thank you like we weren’t heard the previous times. Or we do that to others. I have been guilty of that, too. Maybe they hope we will catch their excitement and join them as a sharing and bonding moment. For me, it doesn’t. An option to use when being asked and you don’t want to, say no thank you, I will let you know if I change my mind. Same if you are doing the asking. If the answer is no, say let me know if you change your mind. This way, it is being respectful of the other person’s answer.

My husband and son will do that. I will say no thanks. It has taken some time and now they know when I say no, that is what it means. Sometimes I will, depending how important it is for them. It is my choice whether to participate or not.

I realize the “no” thing is a two-way street. They can ask and it is important for them to respect that answer. Also, if they are caught up in their excitement, or even if they are insisting on me taking their “well-meaning” advice on how I should be doing or handling something and won’t take “no” for a final answer, it is up to me to let them know as kindly and assertively as possible, “thanks for thinking of me” and “I will take that into consideration.”

Most people aren’t doing this out of maliciousness. Most of us are unaware we are treading on someone else’s boundaries. Knowing this, we can be more mindful and respectful.